TW: Anxiety and Panic
Hey gang!
Hope you’re all powering on, you’ve got this!
We’ve got a little interview with me (Ellie) for you today. I think Mum had quite a good time picking my brain, even though my memory is so poor I can barely remember what I had for breakfast most days. I went off on a couple tangents as I tend to do in real life and tried not to rant about stuff too much… Anyway, I will hand the reins over to Mum!
It’s time now to introduce the other half of this double act – the younger, prettier half! Biased I may be, but she has to be one of the most beautiful people I know – inside and out (although perhaps not first thing in the morning)! Even before she became involved in theatre, she loved make-up, although her technique was a bit dodgy, and she loved to pose – I remember her arriving at a ballet lesson aged around 5 years and announcing very emphatically, ‘I am wearing a hat’, as she entered the room.
So I have, at last, interviewed her – same questions!
So it is Ellie or Eleanor Grace (or Ellesibob), from Bookham – actually Fetcham, but Bookham is the nicer bit! BTW – only got the Grace by virtue of me arriving in maternity ahead of a close friend who had come up with exactly the same name – they now have an Eleanor May! I’m a posho she jokes, although she doesn’t feel posh – maybe middle class sometimes, but never posh! Having gone to Uni in Birmingham though everyone called her posh, coming from Surrey. Claims she isn’t as posh as Riley though – for those that know him!
Ellie went to School close to home – all state school except one year in pre-prep with her friend Heather, and only because it was cheaper to do that than keep her in day nursery whilst I was on maternity leave with Tim (brother). The thing she enjoyed most at school was being with other people – ‘I suppose it was just like being with people all the time, I enjoyed. I had a really good close set of friends and I think I was much more confident then or knew I was. I wasn’t anxious basically. So it was easier’. After 6th form Ellie auditioned for drama school but didn’t get in. She then auditioned for GSA Foundation Course, and got in. Although she auditioned for Musical Theatre, she was offered Acting, which she feels was a blessing. ‘Definitely’, as she says she feels her singing and dancing would not have allowed her to hold her own in MT chorus/swing. What also sold Acting to her was that if she still has a strong training in singing and movement, which GSA was offering her at the time, this would allow her to take lead roles in more actor-led type musicals, for instance Sondheim when the leads do not tend to do a lot of dancing! Having competed GSA, she auditioned again, but didn’t get in ‘no-one wanted me’, so she had a gap year when she toured with Apollo Theatre Company with Just So Stories. The following year she was back on the rounds of audition and had more success, joining Royal Birmingham Conservatoire (or BSA as it was then).
She felt she was much more confident at school, and less anxious. She puts the knock to her confidence down to the very sudden death of her grandfather, which shocked her a lot. Also at GSA, she saw someone have a panic attack for the first time, thought – ‘oh, I do that sometimes’, overthought it and then started to experience more. She says that I was probably not aware of quite how bad she was at BSA – largely in Year 1. She was having panic attacks every week, leaving the spaces making her anxious – albeit she was not alone. It affected her studies and it was suggested that she deferred a year, but she didn’t want to do that. So, she ‘pulled her finger out’ and was determined not to let it get in the way. A tutor told her to find a copy of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, as on the front, it says ‘don’t panic’! She is much better now and knows how to cope with it.
Hi, it’s the italic voice of Ellie here! So, Mum has played down what I said to her a bit here and I was thinking of doing a post that goes into my mental health a bit more anyway as Mental Health Awareness Week is coming up (18th – 24th May). I’ll go into it all a bit more then, just in case my experiences can help anyone out. Big love! Back to you Mum x
Ellie’s memory isn’t great (she says) and struggled to come up with her first memory ‘Oh, I don’t know!’. She remembers burning her mouth on freshly made toffee apples (made with her Grandma), but she’s not sure whether that’s because she heard about it later. Similarly, sitting with her Grandma on the upper deck of a double-decker bus. She remembers lines though – which is just as well. She remembers doing and enjoying shows with the various drama groups she belonged to – for instance, Shake, Ripple and Roll with Nomads (played ‘Peaches’). At Nomads, because there were two Ellie’s she was nicknamed ‘Duck’ – something she was not entirely delighted with as she was the elder Ellie of the two ‘she really should have had the nickname, just saying’! She thinks the first show she saw was The Lion King for Lara Jackson’s birthday. She remembers watching Joseph when she was about 9 or 10 years (her birthday present). We also saw Cats around that time as well – she still has the T-shirt! See Instagram @whatwevewatched_
I asked what she felt about me working at Surrey, but for her she had never known anything different. She was pleased and proud when I became a Professor though (bless her).
We talked about restaurants, and how when she was younger she was very good at vomiting in restaurants, or before, on or after flights. If she hadn’t vomited around the flight, she would vomit in the hotel – she’s grown out of that now thankfully! Her favourite restaurant? Anywhere with a good veggie option, that isn’t just a portobello mushroom in a bun! Her favourite food? Potatoes! We moved to an easier question – favourite musical or play. ‘I’ve got lots. Legally Blonde is just so much fun, Come From Away is obviously brilliant or I wouldn’t have seen it 3 times. What else do I like? Oh Billy Elliot, I adore Billy Elliot! It makes me cry every time it’s just so good.’ In terms of plays she likes As You Like it, and things by Florian Zeller – who wrote ‘The Father’, as the plays are so well written. She used to like Dennis Kelly, and still does, but modern text is quite jarring after watching/listening to a lot of Shakespeare. Her favourite thing ever was ‘It’s Dark Outside’ (by The Last Great Hunt) at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2013. It was a puppetry show about dementia. It was beautifully done and very moving.
Favourite books are ‘Little Women’ (Louisa May Alcott) and ‘Cranford’ (Elizabeth Gaskell). Ellie is attempting to read 52 books this year, and in these COVID times she’s reading loads, and has loved ‘The Half God of Rainfall’ (Inua Ellams) and ‘Circe’ (Madeline Miller), also ‘The Tiger and the Acrobat’ (Susanna Tamaro) and ‘Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine’ (Gail Honeyman), which I also enjoyed.
So – now the one I’m bracing myself for! What annoys you most about me? Mainly just being at home again, and especially having other people (anyone) in the kitchen. Also – why do you try to talk to me in the morning? ‘I don’t know why you want to do that to yourself or me!’….and you won’t let me cook – I challenged this, said she’s welcome to cook dinner, and promised to keep out of the kitchen!
Now the ‘Scruples’ questions –
Mum: You buy a scarf from a discount store as a gift for a friend who is very label conscious, you have an empty box from a trendy store do you repackage the scarf in the box and give it to your friend?
Ellie: No! they can get over themselves. If I've spent money on them, on something I know they’ll like, they’ll get over themselves. I'm a good person, I buy people gifts for no reason whatsoever, I’ll see something in a shop and go, ‘oo they’ll like that’ and I’ll give it to them. And if that person was like ‘oh it’s not Dior’, I’d take it back!
Mum: You witness a car accident in which one party is clearly to blame, do you stop and offer yourself as a witness even though you're late for an appointment?
Ellie: Well I suppose in this day and age they’d just take your number down or you call the appointment on your phone, but I would yeah.
Mum: You’ve been attending classes all year, an acquaintance who rarely shows up asks to photocopy your notes, do you let them?
Ellie: Um, probably cos I'm a pushover but, I wouldn’t be happy about it.
Ha, there we go! A small insight into me. I hope you enjoyed it!
We'll hopefully be back soon with a mental health post for Mental Health Awareness Week (18th - 24th May), but until then, you are not alone and remember, you have survived every bad day so far. You've got this.
Lots of love as always,
Ellie and Anita x
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